Capture. Create. Relate.

                                  

I’ve cracked.

Captain’s Log Entry #455: Lost at Sea at Twenty-Three

When people said that the years between 20 and 30 were some of the most confusing and hard years of one young adult’s life, I sincerely thought I was exempt from this.

But good LORD was I wrong! Haha.

How was I wrong? Well let me tell you:

How the hell could any sane person possibly think that getting through the 20’s without feeling the burn and consequences of their actions? How could any one person possibly think that they have themselves figured out in their 20’s and that it would be easy? Furthermore, how could anybody think that that’s even OKAY? 

To truly believe that you can coast through life changes like: moving, school, sustaining/developing/maintaining both friendly and romantic relationships, occupation, etc. is actually crazy. And let me tell you, I’ve been feeling pretty darn crazy because I actually believed that I could get through all of the above. And not only that, but I believed I could get through all of the above without the help of anything but my own ALREADY delusional thoughts towards those matters.  

The gist of this post is this: 

• I’m crazy

I’m kidding, it’s actually that I’ve realized this:

• I thought very highly of myself as somebody who knew what was going on, was put-together, knew what I wanted, knew how to deal with issues, and (I couldn’t be more wrong) that I could deal with it on my own. 

Buuut I’m actually this:

• I am a young 23 year old woman who is moving to a new city in September and that TERRIFIES me
• I am starting ANOTHER undergrad towards something that I hope will lead me somewhere but am scared it won’t because I’m scared of everything and really don’t think I can get where I want to be
• I confuse “independence” with being able to solve problems and maintain my own emotional and mental health alone, when, in reality, that’s actually like, totally impossible. Totes
• I have no idea what i’m doing and am working on trusting that everyone close to me cares about me much more than I feel like I deserve in my own head, and that they are there for me even when I feel like I’m sort of falling apart every two days (and by “sort of” I mean like, actually though)
• I get caught up in my delusions that a perfect life is one without problems, when that only means you’re not growing in any way at all
• I say “sorry” too much (Reminder: It’s not your fault if someone bumps into you on the street)
• I’m shockingly emotional (I thought I got over that part of me in high school, haha)

Being in the 20’s is hard! And I know I have it easy compared to the next person, but Jesus Christ, that only means I have a lot to work on if I think life’s hard right now haha, but at least I’m aware.

I’ve become a person that people go to with problems and I help them work out their issues (ironic) and I’ve noticed something:

No one is ever content with just being happy. There’s always something that people are preparing themselves for, and it’s always the worst case scenario. It’s good to be cautious, but what was once “all for one and one for all” becomes “every man for himself” and then the walls come up. People become so fixated on maintaining happiness that they forget that happiness just comes naturally and should always be natural. It shouldn’t be something that needs to be constantly consciously fostered, but something that just comes and grows and everything works out anyways when you’re just being exactly how you are. People are funny like that. We’re social animals, yet we can be so guarded sometimes. 

Anyways, these are just observations and I haven’t self reflected in a while. Sometimes it’s good to realize you’re not king shit in any way, shape or form, and that you aren’t and should never feel alone or have to apologize for being a 23 year old gal who is trying to grow up with her head on straight. And I also thank those for helping me realize these things.

I feel much better! (Insert cute emoji here)

In other news: Yesterday, all I ate was pizza, donuts and drank beer. I still feel like a Large Marge. 

I wasn’t going to post this but I think I will: I just ate a whole bag of miss vickie’s original chips.  

 

Reminiscing

So I spent a hour or so skimming through old tumblr posts and it amazes me how much a person could change over the course of a year. To be honest, it kind of made me sad to see the posts documenting all of those special memories. I posted so much in such detail that I could almost remember exactly what I was feeling or really thinking when I wrote everything that I did. It really brings me back to those moments and makes me feel very fortunate that I got to experience them but, at the same time, makes me realize how different things are. 

Now this isn’t to say that I’m unhappy, because that is most definitely not the case at all, whatsoever. I’m feeling more balanced in my current state than I’ve ever been and more excited about the future than I’ve ever felt. Truth. 

But I remember Kieran and I talking about how things would never be the same. I could quote her on this because I’ve thought about it almost everyday for the three months following these changes, and then at least 3 times a month following. She said “Nothing will ever be the same after this summer. even if we’re all together as a group, everyone will have lived their own lives for long enough that we won’t have nights like Craven Haven back, or those nights at Babylon” Kieran and I have literally brought up all of our amazing memories every time we hungout for months after. I remember saying to her, “I think I only just got over our summer” and that was probably in March that I said that. Haha.

Which summer was this? Oh, the summer nights that brought you the classic:

Glad I Went Out for Pho 

Craven Haven [Part One]

Craven Haven [Part Two]

Oh … And I guess a lot of things in between that I never wrote about because we all got followed up with at work about keeping our social life less public … 

But this doesn’t even apply just to that summer. There are many fond moments:

Grad Show Countdown/Freakout 
Winning an Award 
Getting Tattooed 
Getting my Studio 
Going to NYC (solo) 
Vague Self-Depricting Posts … (actually don’t know what this is about)
Pho with Kieran (all of the times)
That time I botched my notes due to fatigue  
That time I went to Thermodynamics II instead of my psych class 
The days of healthy hands and long nails (pre-rock climbing)

And then all those damn posts lead into other memories I have surrounding those documented. Hanging out with Claire (who is gone to Nelson), hanging with Jaimie, Brit and Kristen (who are all in Korea), hanging out with Nicki (who is in Berlin) … See what I mean? Each member of these wonderful dynamics are spread across the world! 

However, you know who your real pals are if you still manage to keep in touch despite the time zones. And I’ve actually managed to keep in touch with every single person I’ve written about on this blog. It’s nice that friendships remain beyond these group dynamics. 

I’m a lucky gal.

Sidenote: I just ate my own weight in spring rolls and I feel so uncomfortable right now!

Too much fun

First of all, let me say that I had the best New Year’s celebration in the history of my existence. I truly mean it. I am so, so grateful to have had the chance to spend it with all of the most important people in my life. My boyfriend and I literally had a million types of New Year’s celebrations in one day. 

Celebration #1: The At-Home Couple

After my long and frustrating work day, I grabbed a 6 pack of Hoegaarden and brought it back to my boyfriend’s place where we drank, listened to music and played Super Mario

Celebration #2: The Small and Classy Get-Together

After Celebration #1, we went over to Katie and Ryan’s place where we continued to drink as an intimate double-dater and watched youtube videos and talked about everything and nothing. I love those two. I don’t know what I would ever do without them.

Celebration #3: The Kegger

Sandy Hill kegger? Who says it stops after university? Kyle and I caught a bus and made our way to a kegger to meet up with two of our closest friends and see some pleasant familiar faces. I got to meet a lot of cool people and managed to NOT die from a potentially fatal cocktail containing amaretto, and got to take a few actual PHYSICAL photos home with me. Yeah, the kind that’s printed out. 

Celebration #4: The Jail Party

Probably one of the highlights of my night was going to Kyle’s place of work to celebrate with some hostellers and his co-workers in the hostel bar, Mugshots. His friends, Tyler and David, were Djing and it was so much fun. I could have danced down there forever with Kyle (we’re kind of really good at it). We stayed there until a bit after the countdown and managed to squeeze in a ton of hugs, a bit of small talk and (screw celebrating a new year, my countdown was in anticipation for this) a great New Year’s kiss with the greatest guy I’ve had in my life.

Then we booked it

Celebration #5: The Dirty, Dirty, Wall-humping, Shot-taking, Vom-Inducing Bar party

This is another moment that I had been anticipating for a long time: The moment where Kyle gets to finally meet the rest of my closest friends. What better place to meet these people than at their late-night nesting place? RITUAL! So, I can say with confidence that DJ is one of my most closest, genuine, amazing friends that I have. DJ has seen me through so many phases of my life, and I for her as well. And yet, in spite of these changes, we’ve still remained super close. 

Anyways

So Tarek (DJ’s beau) let Kyle and I in for free since I hadn’t seen DJ in weeks since she hiked up her skirt and went to Toronto. Upon entering, well, the title of this celebration says it all. Kyle got to finally meet the rest of my pals (drunk or not, it counts!) and my beloved Carole-Anne, who proceeded to tell Kyle in the nicest and most aggressive way possible that she already knew “so much” about him. And something along the lines of “if you think that I don’t know anything that’s been going on between you and Krisha within the past month, you’re wrong, because I know it all” how? Because sweet Carole went on about how we talked about my relationship for “like, 30mins” over breakfast one day. Haha. Oh, and she took a photo of him and I together. Hah! I love her. No one on this planet could make anyone feel as special as Carole can. That girl is effervescent and gets excited about everything. I think she’s probably mine and Kyle’s number 1 fan and she’s got the shirts, foam hands and autographed photos to prove it. Seriously, probably.  

Don’t even get me started on how much she loves Justin Bieber.
_____ 

So that was my New Year’s and I would not have had it any other way. What more could you want than all that? We didn’t even go crazy with the drinking and it was absolutely perfect. After all of that, we went to the Quickie and got food for that night and the next morning. What did we choose as our first meal of 2013? Why, Kraft Dinner and Pizza Pockets, of course! And what was our first movie of 2013? Kinda, sorta, Goodfellas … Only somewhat, because we both fell asleep partway through. 

Hope your New Year’s was as grand as mine.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!

Update

I feel like I need to update on what has happened to me recently.

So two weeks ago, I was back in NYC visiting my best friend, Alejandro. It was such a blast. When I got there, I went straight to his studio and he gave me a tour of the facilities. I must say, the School of Visual Arts is amazing! The students who go there should consider themselves lucky to have such amazing resources. And those who don’t go there and can still make amazing art, well, consider yourselves extremely talented.

Who, me? You shouldn’t have.

Just kidding.

After that, I went to go see the Shawn Barber show which was such a sight to see. It’s one thing to see a painting online, but a completely different experience to see them in person. The brush strokes, the focus, the colors, the mediums … Incredible. I learned a lot about his painting technique by looking at his paintings. I definitely needed to see them in person and I’m glad I did. Also, I got his latest book! And for $75! And signed! And numbered! Woo! Best purchase.

On my first night, Alejandro introduced me to his hilarious and dear friend, Dan. I had heard so much about Alejandro’s friends that it was really exciting for me to meet them in person. They’re even more awesome than Alejandro had described them to be. Especially Dan. I love Dan. We went to a BK bar and played Jenga, talked about girls, guys, life, art, etc. being around great company made me never want to leave Brooklyn.

The following day, I was quite hungover. I went to grab lunch with Dan and then met up with Alejandro and some other pals to go to the Whitney. I was so exhausted that, shortly after, I went back to my hostel (yeah, the NY Loft Hostel, again) and took a nap. When I woke up, I had only intended to drink a single glass of wine in preparation for another one of my friends to come down and stay with me at my hostel. Needless to say, one glass turned into the whole bottle and I got right wasted with two great girls from Toronto and a guy named Paul from San Fransisco! Paul, by the way, also made me dinner, it was delish. Hahaha. Where did we go after? A karaoke bar, duh! By the time my friend, Nicki, came down, I was so drunk I fell going up some stairs at the hostel. Poor Nicki. I got her drunk though. Drunk enough to get Philly cheese steak sandwiches with me!! Mmm.

Our next day was a hungover blur. We got up, went to the cafe down the street and got coffee and bagels.

Did I mention I only ever ate bagels and sandwiches on my trip? Well I did. And everything was delicious.

Anyways, the next day we explored some of Manhattan and got caught in the rain way too many times. We ended up at the MET where we parked our keesters and drew. This garnered a lot of attention, which the little 6 year old recital hating ballerina in me hated, and the cocky 22 year old artist i am, loved. Eventually, we did something that we had intended to do from the get go.

GET TATTOOS!!!!

Back in November when I was last in Brooklyn, I had stepped into Three Kings Tattoo and got myself a tattoo on my finger. It is now a thing where I get tattooed in Brooklyn so I had to do it again. Nicki has gotten bit by the tattoo bug and wanted to get a heart in her shoulder. I wanted to get an arrow. We didn’t see this connection until it was suggested we may be lesbians. Haha. I drew the heart and we both came up with a final drawing for my arrow. And ta-da! We were inked and it as fabulous. That night we got pretty drunk at Union Pool and danced, danced, danced. And much like how sleep deprived I was going to NYC, I was moreso sleep deprived leaving. For we did not get back until 5AM, did not sleep until 5:30AM, and I had to be out to catch my flight by 7AM.

Ah, the high life. Can’t wait to do it again.